A random video I decided to make about when I first felt fat.

My new weight lifting gear makes me feel like a MMA princess. With scary eyebrows. LOL.

Also, I went to the hospital to spend time with one of my clients in rehab for his fractured fibula and this was taped to the back of his wheelchair:



He's pretty funny. He "wears his sunglasses at night". Literally. And he always asks me who my favorite wrestler is. LOL. He dressed up like Michael Jackson at camp this year and danced to "Thriller"--he loves the '80's and was hit hard by MJ's death. Lots of funny stories from this client. XD

So I tried on a pair of size 10 jeans today just to see how they fit since my size 12's are baggy...and I didn't really expect the 10's to fit...but they fit perfectly!

Size 10! I honestly thought I would stop at size 10, but my goal is to be 15% body fat now...so whenever I hit that is when I will stop.

A few friends and I are going backpacking in Europe this summer. When I come back I'm dedicating myself to finding a martial art to dig my claws into. We've been trying to get to a free muay thai class recently, but it'll have to wait til next week because of midterms. We may start with Jiu Jitsu though...but I want to eventually play with swords. ;)

The other day I went to Bagelicious, a deli I go to on the weekend to get bagels for my mother and sister. I happened to be there with my sister and Cintia, and one of the guys behind the counter takes a look at me and starts asking me how much weight I've lost, because he said he was enjoying watching me lose it, which was a little strange but I was flattered I guess so I told him how much I lost and Cintia tells him how much she lost (it was pretty empty in the store).

I never know what people are going to say. This guy...I KNOW he meant well, but he told me, and I quote, "you were a real dumbo."

Ok, I know I was really big and now I'm not so big, but does that really give you license to say that? It really offended me for some reason. I know I shouldn't care, especially because I'm not that size anymore....but...I don't know...I don't think people really understand what it's like to have been that big. People say things all the time--little things--that rub me the wrong way about obese people. I'm still obese, and I'm right there...be a little more sensitive. I feel like people really believe that they have a RIGHT to treat overweight people like crap. I'm sorry, but I am 20X healthier than most of the "skinny" people I know.

I'll tell you what's sad. When you go to buy yourself a pick-me-up and that purchase is a pencil case. I have been a little down lately, mostly because of the session with the personal trainer combined with the feeling that no matter what I do to eat right, my own brain wants to sabotage me. I realize it's okay to treat yourself after a really tough week filled with 5AM wake ups to go to the gym, but it's not okay to consume an extra 300 calories a day and then binge on the weekend. This is why I am maintaining and this is why I basically look like a doughy mass.

I guess I just never thought I'd be one of those people who exercises a ton and then screws up on the nutritional intake. I would have figured it'd be the other way around.

But anyway, my pencil case has "Sunday Dream" and a key on it, a little reminder to myself that I basically hold the key to my destiny, which is a corny thing to say but I believe that. I also do my long runs on Sunday (6 miles is the minimum), so I do a lot of dreaming and planning on Sundays.

My runs and my workouts are what make me feel alive. It's a block of time where I revitalize my limbs and heart, but also give myself a mental check. I shouldn't need to put junk in my body.

Shit's gonna change.

Why is it that when I come back from walking in Manhattan I smell like smoked bacon? *scared*

Anyway, I am grateful to the people I have in my life who believe in me. You guys have no idea what a motivating factor you are in my life.

I am terrified about starting work tomorrow. I really am. And I already don't want to go to class tonight. Night classes make my brain hurt. I literally sit there thinking about what's for dinner the whole time. Sad.

Just came back from my gym + running Sunday routine. It was switched to Saturday because me and Cintia were getting our free personal training session.

So I had my body fat assessed and the trainer went through some stuff with us and assessed our levels, etc.

I was shocked to find out that my body fat percentage is 38.5 (it might be a little higher or a little less, but I know it was 38 point something). He showed us a chart after that to assess where we need to be and he said that the chart was based on the average American and so our body fat percentages were actually even worse than what was on the chart, or rather...farther away from where we ideally should be, since it shouldn't be a goal to be average...but...that basically put me off the chart.

He also said that, from what he could see, my lack of tone and loose skin came from not lifting enough and not doing it right, so now I'm going to have to work even harder than normal to shed body fat.

Just when you think you're healthier...you're told you have the body fat of the person you were before you started losing weight. It was hard to hear, but it's the truth....and so I needed to hear it. The reality just sucks. I've worked so hard, and for what? I guess I'll pay for a few personal training sessions and see where it leads me. I need to go back to square one with food again, but that will be good for me. No more fattening food. It just goes straight to my stomach and apparently huge thighs.

This could be what I need? We'll see. I'm not doing a good job of losing weight on my own lately.