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Fat and Ugly--A Rant

2009-12-01T15:35:59Z

A random video I decided to make about when I first felt fat.

Cotton mouth at 2AM

2009-11-29T07:27:04Z

EDIT: Above = me, happy to be home and to be done with the marathon and to have the medal that I thought they were gonna run out of XD

I am thirsty, and wish to partake in a beverage, but I'll hold off to update this thing.

So I completed my first marathon. It wasn't like how I thought it would be. I basically started off weird, and had this weird hip pain the entire 26.2 miles. I also broke down emotionally at the point where I was due to hit the wall, and then had to reach deep to complete it on auto pilot. It was a strange experience. My time was awful and even though I got a medal for completing it (in 6 hours and 30 minutes--I had to walk a lot because of the hip pain) I felt like I didn't really earn it, but, that's kind of ridiculous. For a first marathon, just finishing it is really the only goal I should have had in mind. But, let me tell you, when you run a 6:30 marathon, there are NO PEOPLE CHEERING FOR YOU ANYMORE. There are hardly even water stations. They are taking away cones as you hobble/run.

And my pinky toe, formerly covered in a blood blister, has turned a lovely purplish black color. But I've had toenails fall off before, and am confident all is fine. I can still walk, so I'm okay! *thumbs up, stiff upper lip*

I want to do the NYC marathon as my second marathon, but I'm debating over when to do it. I still have about 50 pounds to lose, which would help take strain off my body and help me get faster. Plus, I told myself I'd do a marathon before I turned 25, so there's one for the bucket list. Pressure's off.

Not much else going on. I decided to stop taking my birth control. I might have to go back on some form of hormone stabilizer, but...I'm kind of hoping that a lot of the weird issues I had with my period were obesity related. I'm still considered obese, but I've lost almost 100 pounds since the craziest times, and I'm hoping that maybe, somehow, losing the weight helped. But who knows.

Been trying to deal with Holiday Depression. Around this time of year--every year--I start to get severely depressed and don't really know what to do with myself. This year it's manifested itself in my insecurities about my body, yay! It seems the more weight I lose, the more terrified I am of my physical self, if that makes any sense. I'm way too self conscious.

Anyway, I have work in a few hours. I should rest.

Notice my non-mention of Thanksgiving. I hate Thanksgiving. I hate being around an excess of food.

All my words are filled with glass

2009-11-19T22:02:25Z

I'm not sure when the last time I updated this, but here I am. I'm about to watch my friend sing. Been reading this random person's blog so I figured I should update mine.

I'm not sure what to say except I had hoped by this age I'd be a whole lot more than I am--an adult. I don't feel like an adult; in fact, I feel like a kid running away from age. A weird and scary thought. It's how I've always been--terrified of maturity, but old in a lot of ways.

I've retreated into myself a lot these last few months, but I feel like I haven't been delving too deep, afraid of what sort of depression I might uncover. I'm the sort of person who, when she thinks too much, can really dig her own grave. And it's not even that I find my life to be terrible. It's just that I've always felt the highs and lows of life more intensely than others. Which is weird because I imagine a lot of people don't really see me. I was just waving and saying hi to someone from an exercise class and even though she was about 10 feet away in this quiet auditorium, she didn't see me.

Sometimes I really enjoy being invisible. I suppose that's kind of strange.

Anyways, it's been a strange last few months. And I'm running my first marathon on Sunday. I haven't do e anything fun in months, so I'm looking forward to it. Just the fact that I consider running 26.2 miles fun should tell you a little something about me. I'm a glutton for punishment. At least, these days, I punish myself in better ways?

Thunder thighs

2009-10-22T19:28:05Z

We just had a squat competition in Martial Arts class. XD I did 300 in a row! I am so amused. They were deep squats, too. Gonna be feelin' those tomorrow. Now I have to jump on my bike. Going out to see Paranormal Activity with the mom tonight. Yes, I hang out with my mom.

Be sure to celebrate Mole day tomorrow! At exactly 6:02, or it doesn't count.

Stress

2009-10-21T17:56:45Z

Recently I've been going through these weird intestinal pains which started last week when my stomach reacted violently to too much protein. I've kind of always been pretty sensitive to protein/ electrolyte replacement drinks, but this was over the top. I couldn't sleep, I had a slight fever, I was nauseous, had no appetite, and I almost fainted. I was feeling weak.

I had to drop my Physio class due to me being horrible at Physio, plus my professor was a Nazi and gave a quiz for attendence every day....so if you were 5 minutes late you were absent...and this was an 8 am class.....but the point of mentioning that is that I basically dropped it right after I got proof of matriculation saying I was a FT student so I could continue under my mom's insurance for the semester. But dropping the course brought me to be a PT student....so then I went to this new doctor my friend recommended to me...and he had me go fir an X-Ray of my abdomen and I have a sonogram on Saturday morning...plus a blood test on Saturday as well because I haven't had one in two years....and I'm terrified the insurance company will drop me and leave me with the bills, which wl definitely be over 1,000 bucks.

The doctor felt my stomach and basically told me I'm severely backed up...so it could be I irritated my digestive system...or I have gallbladder disease plus impaction, but I'll have to find out next week. Hopefully it's not my gallbladder. But in googling I scared myself because some people who take my birth control get gallbladder disease as a result. Which makes me hate taking BC even more, but my period without BC is pretty much unlivable and probably contributed to my poor quality of life right up until getting on it.

In short, I hope I'm not going to pay a price I can't afford, in both respects.

pixeled @ 2009-09-28T18:40:00

2009-09-28T22:52:13Z

My new weight lifting gear makes me feel like a MMA princess. With scary eyebrows. LOL.

Also, I went to the hospital to spend time with one of my clients in rehab for his fractured fibula and this was taped to the back of his wheelchair:

He's pretty funny. He "wears his sunglasses at night". Literally. And he always asks me who my favorite wrestler is. LOL. He dressed up like Michael Jackson at camp this year and danced to "Thriller"--he loves the '80's and was hit hard by MJ's death. Lots of funny stories from this client. XD

pixeled @ 2009-09-02T09:24:00

2009-09-02T13:35:46Z

So, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail this semester. I've been running on like 4 hours of sleep for the past two days and one of my classes already had a quiz. My physiology class might as well be in Greek.

At least my martial arts professor is hot. He had us introduce ourselves to one another, bow to one another, sit on our knees after lining up, bow to our "dojo", and then we did 50 squats and 20 pushups. Lol.

Pray for my soul. I'm about to start chem class. My professor speaks very fast and very low. Mehhhh.

pixeled @ 2009-08-31T23:04:00

2009-09-01T03:12:20Z

I'm gonna be a nurse! In less than three years from now. I'm going to do an accelerated program where my mom works, at SUNY downstate. I've already got most of the pre reqs out of the way. Have to take a test before I apply, but it's all good.

I spent 300 bucks on two science textbooks today. Let's see what my psychology text costs. Also, for whatever reason, probably the evil glint in her glasses, my chemistry professor reminds me of Hojo.

I get to mess with chemicals in my lab coat this semester AND do martial arts in a uniform. Lol I am excited.

Today I woke up at 4, went to the gym, showered at gym, went directly to 8am class, then got out at 1:40 and went to work until 10. Exhaustedddd. Gotta wake up at the crack of dawn again to run.

Oh, and a client threw celexa in my face today. Liquid celexa.

Annnnngst

2009-08-29T19:23:08Z

I love writing angst.

It is one of my many guilty pleasures.

Part Twenty

I am updating DG again. I want to finish it! Only a few more chapters left.

I am determined to throw in some fluffiness before this all goes downhill. Of course, it'll be bittersweet fluffiness, because exactly how fluffy can catatonic!Cloud be? And I'm pretty much gonna have a few scenes where Zack is clearly losing his shit and, like, hallucinating. It should be a blast!

This fandom is depressing. I love it. LOL.

pixeled @ 2009-08-27T16:03:00

2009-08-27T20:22:58Z

School starts on Monday. I am very sad. *emo face*

But what I came to do is pimp my new chappie of Desert Garden.

Part Nineteen

Desert Garden update, zomgz

2009-08-17T22:54:54Z

edit: For some reason the chapter isn't showing apostrophes or quotation marks.....even though my original .htm file had them...and I can't find where to manually edit the chapter to include them. Help?

Never mind. Figured that out. That was annoying to say the least...

New Chapter this way

Yes, I am shocked too.

O-o

Leave me lovins!

Writing again

2009-08-17T15:56:50Z

As we speak I have acquired a day off and some cookies, and...dare I say it, the inspiration to write something. Ever since I got my sexy iPhone I've been reading fanfiction on the go. 'Tis a beautiful thing. I feel bad about neglecting my fic. so I'm going to start finishing it up. Here's hoping people will still want to read it. XD Life has gotten pretty hectic since I updated last so I couldn't really help it, but I still want to see my vision through. I miss getting inspired, sitting down, and then writing 'til my eyes cross.

Overnight shift ramblings

2009-08-03T04:31:31Z

Hospitals would suck less if they weren't coldroom temperature and if they had actually thought about people who stay overnight in the rooms.

In short, I am freezing and this chair is full of fail.

I guess I can't complain too much though. I'm getting paid to chart down whenever the nurses give meds/take vitals and report if doctors came in or test results were explained. Which basically means I'm sitting here reading fanfiction on my new iPhone.

LOL.

I have had entirely too many visits to hospitals in the last few weeks, though. But I am actually considering becoming a nurse.

All men are scumbags

2009-08-01T10:51:10Z

Yesterday at work, while having a discussion with the cheating bastard about cheating, he asked me what I thought marriage should be, and this interaction took place.

Me: "When you're married you have to stick through, thick and thin."
Cheating Bastard: "I've stuck through."
Me: "Yeah, through thick and thin GIRLS."
CB: "*pwnt*"
Female Co-workers: "*high five me*"

I'm a funny bitch.

pixeled @ 2009-07-20T17:03:00

2009-07-20T21:08:26Z

Hey. Thank you all who have left me some really nice messages regarding my grandfather.

If anyone has fic recs for FFVII (not Amarissia or Staci) I would greatly appreciate it. Especially if it's Generoth or Zangeal.

Back home!

2009-07-06T01:28:10Z

I have returned from back packing through part of Europe! It was amazing. I am done with trains for a while though. I also gained ten pounds mostly due to Germany and its awesome trifecta of sausage, bread, and beer. Prague and Munich were my favorite places--so beautiful.

And hey--Michael Jackson's dead. Someone always dies when I go on vacation. LOL.

I need to eat and sleep, but pictures will soon follow!

O-O

2009-06-15T18:49:35Z

I got an A in Biology!

This past semester has been really tough. Working almost full time and putting in crazy hours studying stuff I never thought I'd ever be studying a few years ago has really wiped me out. Add on top of that a strict exercise schedule and the need to keep my food healthy and I was going just a little nuts.

Despite the C in Nutrition (and I really think that was about the teacher more than anything) I managed to get over a 3.0 for the semester and I am pleased. Transitions are always extra hard for me. I don't take well to change, but I'd have to consider this a success.

Leaving for Eurotrip on Saturday! I can't even believe I'm doing this. I'm scared and nervous and excited!

Gratuitous bathing suit post

2009-06-10T15:29:27Z

I have always lamented the lack of cute bathing suits for fat chicks. I have never really felt comfortable with wearing bathing suits so I've pretty much always worn a t-shirt and men's swim trunks to the beach/pool, but I want to get a tan these days and I feel more comfortable with my body.

I finally found a cute bathing suit that has booby support and flatters my figure! And I got it at Marshall's for 20 bucks. It was like fate. BOOM! Size 14 cute bathing suit in my face.

Me gonna get a sexy tan this summer!

Less than two weeks to Eurotrip!

Closed for Sewage

2009-06-09T03:01:37Z

I finally have my computer back. I've been so busy these last few days. Today was my only free-ish day and I ended up having to run around places anyway. Saturday I had just come from from working 24 hours straight at my job (2pm Friday to 2pm Saturday the next day, ugh) and went straight to hanging out with my friends and buying EuroRail tickets. Roundtrip tickets to Poland and the EuroRail tix ended up being $1500 together. Kind of more than I had hoped to spend but I'm not too upset since I did save up for the trip and I'm excited to do the whole backpacking thing. I even bought a backpacking backpack, LOL. And a packable rain jacket. And hiking shoes. I'm such a dork. I am so happy about these purchases. And they will come in handy for all my future hikes and camping trips.

But back to my computer--I had to go to an Apple store today and buy a new battery for my laptop because mine just stopped charging altogether. It was only holding its charge for about 45 minutes before it reached depletion but still....I thought I would have more of a warning. These things happen I guess. My computer is a little over two years old though (I bought it in April of 2007). Damn you, Apple. That battery was an unexpected 130 bucks spent.

I have a tan! I went to Coney Island just to bask in the sun on the beach on Sunday and I got one without burning. They weren't letting anyone in the water because it was contaminated by sewage. LOL, New York. Yay for sun though. I bought a sexy new bathing suit today for the beach since I intend to do plenty of sunbathing this summer. I went straight from the beach to the gym. I am such a gym rat.

I'm doing low carb for the summer. So far I've lost ten pounds in a week and a half so that's pretty sweet. I bought a new blender (my old one was shot and kept spilling out of the bottom) and now I make peanut butter, soy vanilla, cinnamon, and whey protein shakes with a dash of glutomine for muscle recovery and metamucil for added fiber. It is made of awesome, especially with a packet of splenda.

Oh! And I started giving meds at my job. I have to get used to the bottles for pills, times for meds, and signing in on the sheets, but so far I am okay with it. We're supposed to be paid 50 cents more an hour for doing it but we're the Guild, so....never seeing that raise. I do get called for more overnights and more hours in general though so I guess that's good. I'm gonna need lots of hours when I get back from my trip...which is in less than two weeks, squee!

Okay, that's all I guess. XD

rubs tummy

2009-06-02T14:49:43Z

breakfast of champions:

Protein shake made with mango, strawberry, banana, 1 scoop whey protein, and vanilla soy milk. And a whole tray of ice. Mmm.

Yay!

2009-06-01T23:21:04Z

Tomorrow is, thankfully, the last day of class!

I've had a rough last few days. I was finishing up a big project and working hard on it. There were issues where certain group members weren't pulling their own and I ended up doing most of the work. But! My project got voted to be judged by the Science professors as the best Lab project, which is exciting. Sadly you only get a certificate, but hey. LOL.

I have also been pulling a lot of hours lately at work, so yay. But I am so happy to have that project off my chest. Presenting always makes me nervous but I did well. Yay!

Oh hey!

2009-05-29T04:30:28Z

I just yakked my brains out!

For whatever reason my stomach is extremely sensitive to protein drinks and gatorade. Which kind of stinks. I'm pretty sure it was the new protein drink I was testing out, but it's sort of weird that it had no effect until I'd finished my workout, walked home, and then sat around munching on ice for an hour. WTF, stomach.

Thanks to all who left me words of encouragement. School blows massive chunks and apparently so do I. Burritos....they are not fun to yak. You needed to hear that.

pixeled @ 2009-05-27T23:28:00

2009-05-28T03:38:39Z

I got a C in my Human Nutrition class.....

I am feeling pretty defeated right now. I thought I did well on my final....I thought I might have pulled off at least a B-.....I worked so fucking hard in that class. It was for nothing.

How am I going to do Graduate classes in this stuff if I can't even do this one?

I'm pretty sure I have to retake the class.

I don't want to struggle in all of these classes only to find out I can't do anything I want to do in life and I'll be stuck working severely underpaid jobs for the rest of my goddamn life.

I love the job I have, but I can't live off it.

I just want to be good at something....I just want to live comfortably...

I am really devastated.

And to top it all off, I cannot seem to stop eating shit. I weigh almost what I weighed in the beginning of the goddamn year.

I am getting nowhere and I want to scream.

Rawr!

2009-05-21T15:38:05Z

Annoying photo post! This is the cutest sweater, for srs.

It is very hard not to buy everything at shanalogic.com XD;

Apple love! I celebrate my top-heaviness.

Thanks for putting up with my fug-o mug-o!

LOL I'm buying tix to Poland on Saturday! Euro Trip 2009, bitches!

Bullet point update

2009-05-17T03:52:36Z

-My purse has become a receptacle for arts and crafts from clients at work.

-Almost got Vulcan Neck Pinch'd by a client

-Am taking the Med Certification course at work. Preparation for the test includes pages of chicken scratches that are supposed to be lists of medications.

-Chicken scratches add up to 97 *INDIVIDUAL* meds for my house which has eleven clients. They are all on 10-20 (one woman is on 23 meds). Will be tested on each at the end of next week.

-Do not get paid more to give out meds :( but! I get more hours and I intend to work a lot over the summer break. :D

-Eagerly/Anxiously awaiting the results of going to school FT and going to work mostly FT. I think I'm fine. Still, I wish this semester were over. Two more weeks.

-Horribly sick as per usual at the end of the semester. I think it's a combination of allergies/stress/eating crap.

I need to go for a run! I am such a nice person when I run regularly! The other day I almost freaked out on this bitch trying to cut me to go to the bathroom. Signs!